he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
