I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
