she was so not down for the gang bang
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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