What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I look better un-naked...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
