I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
