Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
