Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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