i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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