Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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