She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
