new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
