i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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