I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
