Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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