Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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