If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
