I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
