You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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