Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
