Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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