I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
