My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
