sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
