just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
