Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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