is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
