Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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