i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
