i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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