the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
