i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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