if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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