Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
