And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
