What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
