Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
