i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
