Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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