if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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