That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
