Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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