I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
