you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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