We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
