I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
