do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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