you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
