hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize