I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So many bounce houses so little time
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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