I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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