mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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