make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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