he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
