and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
