I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
