Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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