she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
