Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize