I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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