I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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