Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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